Overcoming a fatherless childhood
Psychologists define the father wound as an emotional void due to the absence of a fathers protection and nurturing. Leading to poor sense of judgement.
Created by fathers who are physically absent as well as those who are physically present but emotionally uninvested.
Many times our fathers have considered their duty to be financial/ providing material things and often neglect the emotional and psychological.
The existence of an emotional connection is vital in the lives of both daughters and sons.
While some of us have experienced a relationship with fathers who were strong, reliable, affectionate and protectors of our emotions, many of us have grown up without the presence of a loving, engaged father.
The absence of one can be due to death. On the other hand some fathers have chosen to walk away or provide financially while in the home while not realising that their children need more.
Generations are affected by this absence and this is visible in peoples characters and behaviours and poor life choices.
Most of us have not had the realisation that this is due to the lack of an emotional investment from a father.
Generally the father wound leads to a sense of abandonment. This is not always a conscious feeling and often one may not trace it to the father wound.
The father wound and its effects in childhood (trauma) have had consequences on adult health. These can include depression, mental health illnesses, chronic diseases, anger, violence and being a victim of violence.
Children of fathers who have chosen to be physically absent have one thing at the centre of their mind “my father does not love me” or “I am not worth loving and not good enough”
In reality the truth is there are often other reasons that led to this absence. Amongst others these include a broken relationship with mother of child, failure to be a good father figure because they never had one, lack of maturity or just a dysfunctional personality. Sometimes, we just do not know the whole story.
The father wound also affects a woman’s life choices, behaviour and her esteem often resulting in a very low sense of self worth.
Often the father wound sends women on an endless search for love and acceptance. Either they mistrust male partners or view them as inadequate. Or they exhibit moments of rage even while being loving and nurturing.
Women can also end up terrified of abandonment.
Perhaps one of the most common results is the woman ending up with a partner who also has the father wound. Subconsciously they are attracted to men who also lacked fathering or the emotional connection of a father. This can either lead to them projecting their anger or hurt onto their partner or on the positive side, with a realisation, the couple can heal together.
In men the father wound results in a constant feeling of inadequacy. The results are anger, sadness, low confidence and anxiety and mistrust . These men sometimes become isolated and unable to accept genuine love when it presents itself. Many men will try to fill this void in their lives with multiple sexual encounters, which do not lead to true relationship and connection.
One of the most devastating effects on men with unresolved anger towards their fathers is the likelihood of repeating the pattern. Often they too become physically absent fathers or fathers who are absent emotionally because they lack the tools and knowledge to break the pattern. Consequently they end up remodelling excessive anger, emotionally distant behaviours and indifference. The very behaviour that hurt them.
Unhealed childhood trauma can bring even the best relationships to ruin. Evidence of this is present in marriages filled with anger, ending in divorce.
Is there hope or healing for the father wound you ask?
Absolutely!
The first step is realising you may have this wound and realising it is experienced by many the world over.
Healing can occur by talking to someone, a counsellor, your trustable friend and people you can be accountable to.
Acknowledging those men who did take on the role of father figure even though they did not fill the void you needed completely will make you realise you had people in your corner who invested in you.
Forgiveness.
For those who practice a faith drawing knowledge from it on what a father is can be helpful.
While hurting on the inside, you can still go on with life and fulfil your life’s mission regardless.
If you would like to book a session and begin your journey of healing, contact me on 0962876100 or barbara@dynamiccounsellingservices.com